WARNING: Not my usual sort of post. But this is my way of processing what has happened. I have to ask questions, to gain an understanding. Of course I know better than to ask the person directly linked to the grief, so if I don’t talk, then it’s only because I want to ask questions, I’m not being rude. Knowledge is understanding. It’s how I process things.
Normal reading will resume shortly.
I don’t like writing about bad things, or sad things. Anything that requires too much thinking even. There are enough over-thinkers in the world, I don’t need to be one of them. That being said, I”m not all fluff and flowers either. A few things happened last week that left me flat. Things that zapped any thought of writing, or writing anything coherent.
One that needed to happen and one that devastated a whole community.
The first one has been an ongoing issue. Ignored mostly, swept under the carpet even, but lurking in the corner none the less,
waiting to be released festering, and getting worse by the day. While I wont go into a lot of details, it is all over a bunch of petty things. Yes, petty, childish, unresolved stupid things.
Most people will do one of two things if you say or do something hurtful. They’ll pull you up right there and sort it out or shrug it off and forget it even happened. This is what should have been done, but it didn’t. It was left to fester and grow angrier over time til the monster unleashed its fury upon all in its path. So when someone you love tries to subdue the beast, have a conversation, which consequently blows up on them, it is a slap in the face. And hurts. In so many ways.
It takes two to tango. It takes two to get angry. It takes two to discuss and move on.
When only one side is willing to do this, ‘uphill battle’ and ‘banging one’s head against a brick wall’ come to mind. How it will end is anyone’s question. I have an idea, but others have to figure out where they stand.
I just hope I never have to post about this sort of thing again.
There’s this club, that no one wants to be a part of.
I am now part of that club.
I didn’t choose this.
Instead, I was thrust into it.
Along with many others.
This is the club that no one really talks about.
Death by choice.
I have, thankfully, not been witness to many deaths in my life time. My grandparents, (from when I was 10-17) and other old people, that I may have known as a child, but not any more.
I have not known anyone my age – aside from the class mate of my sister’s when they were 16, where I was too young to be really affected by it.
When I started this post, it had only been a day since it happened, and understandably I was still raw. What is not so understandable, is why I have been affected so much by this. I am on the verge of tears as I write this, and while talking to my husband earlier, started crying.
I barely knew this woman, I would see her around the community, in the post office, I even served her once or twice. But knew nothing else about her. I know some of her family, but not well.
Why would, should, her death, regardless of how it happened, affect me in such a way. If she had had a terrible car accident it might be easier to take. Tragic. The fact that when someone has the control, has a say in what happens, makes it all the worse.
They chose to end it.
They chose that direction.
I am also saddened by the fact that with so many resources – regardless of how supportive your family may be – that the choice to ‘not be’ anymore overrides all of that. Things must be pretty bad to face that, and go through with it.
Several words come about when you hear the word suicide. Selfish is definitely one of them. I did some googling and while selfish was mentioned, self-absorbed is another notion. “If somebody is in the frame of mind where they could take their own life then the feeling of others is not going to be high on their list of priorities” That makes sense to me. Selfish because they aren’t thinking of others, sure, but self-absorbed because it’s all about them. (hmm, make sense?)
Determined, detached and brave. Brave?! Really? Brave? How can you say that ending your life is brave.
I’m not sure I am eloquent enough, but being brave enough to go through with it (so many people make that cry for help, but cannot actually do it), brave enough to understand the consequences of their actions, brave enough that whatever their choice, it is infinitely better than what they are currently facing.
“I still see my hands coming off the railing. I instantly realised that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable – except for having jumped,” Part of a quote from a survivor of the Golden Gate.
How many people feel this at the point of no return. The realisation that all is not lost. That it can be fixed.
Of course we’ll never know. Unfortunately too many people succeed in their quest.
One of the worst things. Closure. Or lack of.
A (multiple) car crash seems simple in comparison, there is closure, you know what happened.
Even if one leaves a note, a letter, an essay, there is still the ‘what ifs’ the ‘whys’, so many questions. Never to be answered.
And there is so much help available. If only the recognition was there before it is too late.
Mental illness, is still such a taboo, which such a stigma, it’s almost no surprise that if they don’t get better, they take their own lives.
This lady’s sister said it perfectly. ”…People get cancer, and are treated. They either live or die. Why can’t mental illness be treated like any other disease…”
This unfortunately coincides with the recent National Suicide prevention day and RUOK day.
If you know of anyone who may feel this way, please do what ever you need to to help them. Just know that every little bit helps.